Responding to the Seasons of Motherhood
Being a therapist is a second career for me. Before this, I was a teacher, and then I moved to Denver to help start a school as their Director of Curriculum (think Assistant Principal). I worked minimum 10-hour days, ate almond butter out of a jar for lunch because I was too busy to stop and think about real food, and defined myself by my busyness. I was “good” at working hard. My husband has joked that my highest values are personal productivity and efficiency. You can imagine the rude awakening that motherhood was for this intense part of my personality. My outward productivity took a nosedive, and my efficiency is gathering dust somewhere in the closet along with the pile of giveaway items I said I would donate 4 months ago. Motherhood is rarely defined by either productivity or efficiency; in fact, it can often feel like it’s in direct opposition to those qualities.
I meet with a lot of moms at varying stages of their postpartum journeys, and a recurring theme is the tension and pull between how we used to define ourselves and our self-worth, and what that looks like as moms. For some moms, this looks like grappling with the decision of whether or not to go back to work. There’s a fear that if we leave our fields for too long, we’ll lose relevance and footing and start over. For some, they’ve decided to stay home but are struggling to find meaning in the all-consuming yet mundane day-to-day of being home with a baby. We can feel pressure to have a plan and a path for whatever our goals are, but folding that into the identity of “mother” can feel impossible. Our kids are ever-changing, and we are also brand-new to each new stage of parenting. It takes constant reorienting and planning, not to mention your kids get sick approximately 1-2 weeks into any well-planned routine you establish, and it takes triple that time to get said routine back on track. How do we “find ourselves” in the midst of that? How do we make room for the pieces of our identity outside of motherhood that still feel important to us?
This tension is real and weighty, and you are not alone if you’re feeling it. I wish I had a quick-fix/self-help solution for you, but what I can offer is my perspective, now 6 years into navigating this dilemma (often less than gracefully). I’m sure this perspective will keep evolving as my kids grow, but for now, I hope this is helpful. *I also want to acknowledge that this is a privileged perspective. A lot of parents don’t have the option of whether to return to work, but hopefully, this helps give you perspective on your growing and changing capacity.
The version of you who is present this week/month/year is not the same as the one who will be present in the future. Your capacity as a mom is ever-expanding, so know that if you don’t have room for something now, it doesn’t mean it’s gone forever. In the first 3 years postpartum, I felt like my brain was functioning at half (or less) its capacity, constantly fatigued and pulled in a million directions. When I started my private practice, I had the capacity for one client per week. It felt discouraging at first, but I’ve now seen how I slowly built my practice based on my growing capacity and realistic goals for myself. Your brain and body are under a major overhaul akin to puberty, so give yourself some grace as you navigate profound biological and emotional changes. They won’t feel so profound forever. You have many seasons of life ahead of you; don’t judge your success on that trajectory by these demanding years of motherhood.
A wise friend once said that you have to pick the focus of your day - either it’s focused on your kids and connection or it’s focused on productivity, but you can’t have both. Both are okay and necessary, but making a decision and leaning into it vs. constantly feeling pulled between being present and productive is going to naturally create more ease. It’s okay to have days where you lean into screens and independent play a little more in the name of getting stuff done. Then, you can make the thoughtful choice another day to tune in to present time with your kid. When we handle this tension without intentionality, we end up feeling frustrated by interruptions and frustrated with ourselves for feeling irritated. We all need productive days, so make it a choice and make decisions that support it, knowing you can flip-flop the approach another day. I’m admittedly not good at this and often try to accomplish both. But when I practice this, I feel much more centered and purposeful.
Change the bar of success. We can all get caught up in “all-or-nothing” thinking about things we want or have to do. This might sound like, “If I can’t work out for an hour, I’m just not going to work out,” or “If date night can’t be 3 hours, we just shouldn’t do it.” “If I can’t do this to the capacity that I used to, I’m not going to do it.” We might not say those extremes out loud, but we can often live by them. Similar to my first point, your reality in parenthood is ever-changing. Your output might look different early on, but that doesn’t make it lesser. Fight for the things that make you feel whole, connected, and energized, even if their presence feels clunky and insignificant for a while. This might mean celebrating that you worked out for 10 minutes with the hope of getting back to an hour eventually (I’m speaking for others here; working out for an hour will never be a personal goal; I’m a half-hour max girlie!). Be okay with datenight looking like takeout on the back patio while you watch the monitor, knowing that someday, you’ll be able to do nights out again. When we celebrate the small wins, we acknowledge our growth and forward movement rather than just focusing on what we are lacking since becoming parents. This doesn’t mean there’s no space to grieve what isn’t present anymore; it just means you are celebrating all the ways you are moving forward with your new reality.
The journey into motherhood, known as matrescence, is entering into a season like no other. This new territory will take time, patience, attention, support, and curiosity to learn to embrace it. If you are struggling with accepting this new role, you don’t have to struggle alone! Schedule a free consult and see how therapy or coaching can provide the support you need to make room for your goals and your current reality.