A Love Letter to Moms
I’ve met with hundreds of new moms in the last several years: in group settings, individual therapy sessions, and couples counseling. There are many recurring themes, but one of the main ones is guilt. Guilt over not doing enough, guilt for working, guilt for not working, guilt for not connecting with their partners, guilt for their feelings, and on and on and on. This can leave us paralyzed with the feeling of an unachievable goal. We are always missing the mark, falling short. But what is the mark? If we really stop and think about it, is there a point where we would think we are “nailing it,” as moms? Where does the expectation come from? Would we expect what we expect of ourselves from any other mom?
For a lot of us, the transition into motherhood is abrupt, all-consuming, and quite overwhelming (positively and negatively!). It’s one of the only roles where we are expected to know exactly what to do and for instincts to “kick in,” even though it is brand new. The markers we give ourselves for whether we are doing well are dependent on an infant, with their own temperament, personality, and diverse needs. Are you succeeding if your baby sleeps through the night, nurses well, or doesn’t cry? There are few other roles where we would judge our individual success by another person's behavior, and yet most of the markers for moms are external. This carries into when we have older kids, too. We feel like it’s a reflection on us when our children have big emotions, even if the real cause was that their string cheese was a little too cheesy.
I wish I could put noise-cancelling headphones on every mom to mute the noise of what we carry. I can’t take away all the pressures moms are under to do it all, without breaking a sweat, with a smile on their face, and a home-cooked meal ready at 5, but I do hope I can give you a minute to sit back and pat yourself on the back and release the pressure. Consider this a hug from Your Therapist Mom Friend. Considering all the realities mentioned above, I want you to know that you are doing so much. There will be days when giving your best looks like the nutritious meal that everyone at the table willingly and joyfully consumes (I haven’t had this meal yet, so send me your recipes if you’ve achieved this), and you meet your kids’ big feelings with patience and warmth. Celebrate these days, that’s amazing! There will also be days when giving your best means you remembered to brush your teeth by noon and ate dino nuggets over the trash can after bedtime. Give yourself a break, you are still amazing! The difference between these two days is not effort or ability; it’s reality.
We cannot control all the factors that impact how a day goes, but we can meet ourselves where we are on any given day.
Please enjoy this very professional graphic I doodled on my phone to visualize what “giving our best” looks like. My best as a mom on Sunday when I’m coparenting with my husband looks very different than my best on Friday afternoon at 4. I’m not a worse mom on Friday, I’m just tired and worn out.
At the end of a hard day or a great day, I hope you can assess your work by how you adapted to the highs and the lows - being patient with yourself, taking in all the factors if you lose your patience, and seeing if there’s anything that can shift tomorrow to help out the dynamics. You are doing incredibly taxing, ever-changing work - grace is necessary for all parties.