Cheers to the Dads!
In honor of Father’s Day this weekend, I want to take some time to cheer on dads and all the important ways they support family health. The role of “Dad” has evolved significantly over the decades, with dads engaging in parenting in greater ways. The great news is that dad’s involvement leads to better health and mental health outcomes for themselves, and for mom and baby as well (Mallette et al., 2019; Maselko et al., 2019). There is also research showing that children with involved, caring fathers have better outcomes in school readiness, IQ, emotional intelligence, and emotional regulation (Alio et al., 2011; Bronte-Tinkew et al., 2008; Yogman & Kindlon, 1995). In short, the whole family wins when dads are involved and active, especially in the first five years of a child’s life.
The role dads play is critical, yet we often overlook its importance and the challenges it entails. I hear from a lot of fathers who say they don’t feel like they can voice that they are struggling with the transition to parenthood because they know their wife is struggling and bore the weight of bringing the baby into the world. They feel like they have to be “the rock” for their partners, which often leaves them to struggle in silence. One dad said, “I can’t tell my wife that I’m having a hard time when she’s recovering from a c-section and dealing with all the stress of nursing; it wouldn’t be fair to her.” The reality is that 1 in 10 fathers experience postpartum depression, and 18% of fathers experience increased anxiety after having kids (PSI International). This burden is furthered by the perception that they “shouldn’t” be having a hard time because they aren’t the ones who gave birth. The reality is that transitioning to parenthood is hard, regardless of the role you play. All of a sudden, our time is not our own, and there is less room to do the things that help us feel regulated. Parents may feel that they are struggling to bond with the baby, which leads to guilt and depression, as the new role feels clunky. Dads can also struggle if they didn’t have a model for what involvement looks like, and therefore can feel like they are making it up as they go. Whenever we are in a new role that doesn’t feel natural, we can doubt ourselves and lose confidence. This can be confounded if dads feel like they are getting feedback on different aspects of their approach.
So what can we do to support and encourage the dads in our lives? Here are some of my top tips that I share with expecting and new parents to support dads’ (and everyone’s!) mental health:
It’s okay to have time for yourself. Many dads enter an incredible sacrificial space when their baby is born, as they care for their partner and the newborn. I’ll see dads get to a place of depletion, leading to depression, instead of doing little things for themselves along the way. If you’re a mom reading this, it can be hard to have your partner leave to do things to recharge, especially when all of your activities are time-bound, especially if you’re nursing or pumping. Talk to your partner about the best time to “get away,” and make it happen (for you too!). Each parent will come back with their tank a little fuller - it might not mean that you are fully recharged, but it will help! *Dads, the one caveat to this is that I wouldn’t make it 18 holes of golf for a while. From what I’ve heard from moms, it can feel like a half-day commitment, which is hard on new moms.
Allow for room to differ in how you do things as parents. It’s okay if you each put the diaper on differently, or if soothing the baby takes longer for one partner than the other. When partners jump in at every moment, it can lead to “baby gatekeeping,” leaving (most often) dads feeling defeated and incapable. If we want to build their confidence and connection with the baby, we have to give them room to find their own way. In the early days, this will feel harder for moms who have a deep biological response to their baby’s cry. But if moms let dad figure out how to soothe the baby, it becomes a shared task rather than a situation where only mom can soothe.
This one comes from my sister-in-law, and I think it’s so smart. Share in the information gathering around the baby. To continue to prevent “Baby gatekeeping,” avoid having one partner do all the research, and the other just do what they are told to do. This doesn’t build confidence and a sense of ownership in the process. Instead, share the research and ask your partner to look up sleep regressions rather than googling it in the middle of the night. It can feel empowering to find solutions or seek understanding, so give both partners the opportunity to experience that.
Verbalize when you are struggling. This one is the hardest because it’s difficult when both partners in the couple are adjusting to the same thing. You don’t want to share that something is hard when the other person is also experiencing it, but to a greater degree. This silent struggle can lead to separation between partners, leaving both people feeling isolated in their suffering. Instead, make room for comiserating, not score-keeping. This isn’t a competition for hard, but if both people have room to share what feels difficult, they can join each other in the experience and feel less alone. If it feels too hard to share with your wife that you are struggling because of the load she is carrying, start with a friend or a dad’s group. If you’re in Denver, there is Dad’s Coffee at The Den, a great opportunity for informal connection with other fathers. We can’t do parenthood in isolation, so getting support if you are struggling is a great first step.
Dads are incredibly important to the health of the family! I would love to see more dads verbalizing their needs and making room for their mental health in addition to their wives’. If you have more questions about your own mental health in parenting, or the health of your relationship with your spouse as you become parents, reach out for a free consult to see if individual or couples therapy could be a helpful place to start.