No One Needs a Martyr on a Sick Day
If you’re a parent, I don’t have to say much about what being home with sick kids is like to know that you get it. You get the feeling of dread, the strain on your energy with demands from helpless littles who are still trying to learn how to aim when they throw up, and the stress of trying to be caring and present while also trying to avoid the barrage of germs flying directly into your mouth (too graphic?). It is both a sweet privilege and a tremendous stress to be the caretaker for another human.
I recently found myself at home with one sick kid and one healthy kid. This combination is particularly challenging because one kid needs you for extra comfort, and the other one needs you because they lost their playmate. I felt the strain between my two boys pretty early in the morning and could feel the stress on my nervous system as I heard both of them calling my name from opposite sides of the house. I was also dealing with the reality that all I had planned on getting done that day was going out the window.
I was telling a friend about how hard the day was, and she replied, “Oh man, I would have leaned hard on shows and movies and just had a veg day…” As she said that, I paused and thought, "Why didn’t I do that?” There were multiple points in the day where I silently cried from how stressed I felt, and yet, I felt this stubbornness to not use the TV. I didn’t want my healthy son to sit all day in front of the TV out of rigidness around how we usually do things. We try to follow guidelines and limit TV time to about 30-45 minutes a day, but this was not a normal day. Why was I sticking so firmly to this rule? Sadly, I didn’t stop to ask myself this until the end of the day, when I was totally wrecked and tired. Had I seen this day as the exception, not the rule, we all would have had a much more chill, restorative day.
It can be so easy as parents to hold ourselves to ridiculously high standards. We want to feel like we’re doing a “good” job - feeding our kids healthy food, enriching them, giving them our undivided attention. This standard that comes from so many places (including and mostly from internal pressure) can leave us feeling like we’ve failed when we don’t meet it. But here’s the reality:
There are days when you are going to be able to make the healthy meal, spend quality time with your kid, and do the creative craft that takes more time to set up than to complete (maybe that’s just at my house…), and then there are days when you need to press the easy button. The easy button is not failing; it’s recognizing your capacity and that your capacity changes from day to day.
There is a statistic in the mental health/attachment world from Dr. Kent Hoffman that in parenting, we need to be “on” and really meeting our kids’ needs 30% of the time to have strong attachment and encourage healthy development. That leaves 70% of the time to take the pressure off. What a relief! If I were to go back in time to that day of dread and sickness, I would have pulled out all the cushions, made them super cozy, and put on a movie marathon. Here’s the reminder I needed that day: Don’t judge your parenting by your worst days. We are in this for the long haul (18 years give or take), so looking at the day-to-day rather than the big picture does no one any good. So, if you need the reminder today, or any other day in the future, come back and read this again: You are doing great. Press the easy button when you need it, and show up when you can - it’s enough.